Bella Fan-fic
by Besks
Summary: What does Bella Cullen do for all of eternity as a vampire? Read Fan-fiction, of course. She especially loves the ones about her and Edward. But she secretly loves the ones about Jacob. Shhhh don't tell Edward. Lets watch.
1. Chapter 1

**Bella Spends Eternity Reading Fan-Fiction About Herself**

What does Bella Cullen do for all of eternity as a vampire? Read Fan-fiction, of course. She especially loves the ones about her and Edward. But she secretly loves the ones about Jacob. Shhhh don't tell Edward. Lets watch.

**Note:** Don't judge her. As if you wouldn't spend eternity reading Fan-fiction if you could?

**Note 2:** Also I hope none of the other authors mind me writing about their stories I only do it out of love. But if you do mind let me know and I will take it out quick, fast and in a hurry.

**Note 3:** For those of you that would like a clue about what's going on: This takes place post Breaking Dawn when things are all settled down and Bella is a mom and a wife and has nothing better to do - just like all moms and wives of course. So she is sitting around reading Fan-Fiction just like all moms and wives of course. (This is really just a joke I know moms work more than full time – they work total time, they're not off the clock for what 20 years? But thankfully they get coffee breaks or as I like to call them 'Fan-Fiction Breathers'.) Talk to me on twitter besks

Chap 1 Snatch

Edward sat in a leather armchair by the fire in their cottage, watching Bella. She was dressed in a tight tank top and loose sateen pajama bottoms. She leaned forward reading the computer screen, her lip caught in her teeth and her dark long hair floating around her.

"What are you reading?" He asked putting the book he had been reading aside.

"Fan-Fiction, of course."

"You have read a lot of that lately." He observed.

"Yep. For hours and hours every day, Edward," she said shutting down the computer and crossing the room to him. She crawled into his lap. "I'm so in love with it." She told him wistfully.

"I thought you were in love with _me_," he said jealously.

"Oh baby, I am but Fan-fiction is the best of both worlds. I get you here in my bedroom and I get to read about us doing all these other things. Its like I can live vicariously thru…us."

"What kind of numerous other things?" he inquired.

"Well in the one I'm reading now _Becoming Bella Swan_ I am in a loony bin. You see I think I'm Bella Flanagan a Twilight-saga-reading-housewife-and-mother-of-two from Canada. She (Bella Flanagan) thinks she read the series and now sees people from the books like you and Jacob. Because in her,..er…my head it makes more sense than being a teenage girl in love with a vampire who hides out under my bed and has a werewolf as a best friend."

"I'm confused." He stated.

"Yeah its confusing but seriously funny, _lusty_ and sad all at the same time."

"Why would you be in a mental institution?"

"Because you left me."

His jaw tightened before he said, "I do not think you should read that insanity?"

"Oh Edward its just to good to put down." She said whining.

He gathered her up in his arms and took her to the bed. He laid her out on it letting his eyes rove over her body. She looked up at him admiring his naked chest and pajama bottoms that sat low on his hips. _Wow he is just as hot as they describe in Fan-Fiction! _She thought.He stretched out next to her. Then pulled her toward him. - Even now Edward and Bells like to spend entire nights just lying in bed softly talking. Sometimes Bella even pretends to sleep while Edward watches her.

"Edward?" Bella said as her wraps her body around his.

"Yes love?"

"Did you know that another name for a vagina is snatch?"

"What do you mean?" he asked confused.

"Its a slang word for vagina."

"Snatch? Use it in a sentence," he commanded.

"You should have pulled your penis out of my snatch before you came." She replies without hesitation.

He stares at her for a moment. "Why would he need to pull- No I am not sure I want to know. Was that the actual line from one of those stories?"

"More or less," she said.

"No wonder you have been so lustful as of late." He said nodding.

"Oh you don't know the half of it," she said. "BellaFlan is the Snatch Slang Queen."

They were silent for a long while just listening to each other inhale and exhale.

"Edward?"

"Yes Love."

"What are you thinking about?" Bella asked.

"I was daydreaming about your snatch."

She giggles.


	2. Chapter 2

**Mama's Fan Fiction **

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight. SM does but one can dream.**

Chap 2 Pranks

"Bella?"

"Yeah."

"Can you tell me more of those stories?"

"Well," she says turning toward him, "apparently we are very adventurous in bed. We have sex all the time in the stories and you really love giving me oral sex."

"I do?" he asked.

"Yeah and you're really, really good at it." She stated enthusiastically.

"I am?"

"Yeah."

"I realllllllly love it."

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"So I have a hidden talent not even I knew about." He said.

"In one of the Fan Fictions we do it in your bedroom up against the glass with Jacob outside watching."

He growls.

"To be fair it was before Jacob became our son-in-law." She said as if that made it fine that Jacob was a voyeur. Jacob her best friend, who was hopelessly in love with her before he imprinted on their one-hour-old daughter.

"Wait," he said, "are there stories where you and Jacob get together."

"Yeah I was reading one yesterday called From the Wings by LJ Summers where I married Jacob because you didn't come back. When you did come back we became friends and you came to my wedding. Then Jacob imprints on some dumb redhead but you come and rescue me and we finally we fall in love again. It was so sweet!"

"That would have been horrible." He said thoughtfully and then mumbled to himself. "Thank the Quileute Spirits for imprinting."

"Yeah there are entire fan clubs that are Team Jacob verses Team Edward."

"What team are you?"

"Team Edward of course. Well I'm kind of Team Switzerland because some of Team Edward's want to shoot Jacob in the head."

"I know the feeling," he said nodding. Bella frowned at him.

"There are also people who think I'm a whiney bitch."

"What people?" he says gasping.

"Oh its fine. I can take it because I do whine and bitch at times, being my husband, you know that better than anyone."

"Never Bella you are unequivocally _not_ a 'whiney bitch'," he proclaimed, "and I will tear apart anyone who would think such a thing."

"Thru a computer Edward? It's fine. I think its funny." She said, "and one more time you can't protect me from everything."

"Then there are the funny school stories. We apparently had an offal sex ed class, in one we are in PE together, and in one we get caught passing notes during class. All of which end up being humiliating for Mike Newton."

"Oh? I would like to read those." Edward stated with a smile.

"Yes and then there are all of the horrible pranks the Cullen's all play on each other. My favorite was when you were locked in the trunk of your Volvo and Alice duck tapes me to the hood then spray paints your Volvo pink."

"You have not been sharing any of these stories with Emmett have you?"

No comment.

He raised his voice, "Bella?" and nudged her.

"Shhh I'm sleeping."

**A/N here are the great stories mentioned in this chappy (in no particular order) If you haven't read these you are seriously missing out! **

**The Wild and Wacky Adventures of Edward in PE! By LindaRoo**

**From the Wings by LJ Summers**

**Notes by Llama Mama23**

**Cullenary Educaton: Forks Sex Ed by MarcyJ**

**Here are some of my other favorites:**

**I Don't Exist by rachael1042**

**Stranger Than Fiction by MasenVixen**

**Seducing Ms Swan by DQRC**

**The Past Comes Back to Bite You by sillybella**

**The Vampire in the Basement by michellephants**

**Irritable Grizzly Adams by caligula42**

**Please review… Be critical all you want I know I need the help. Oh also let me know of any other stories I should be reading (as you can tell I love the AU-New Moon stories where Bella has to make a life without Edward)**


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